I have started to constantly ask myself if the way I could act is necessary. Choices to be made, life affecting choices are coming my way more than ever. Well, at least I'm noticing these opportunities now rather than ignoring them as I did years ago. When I moved away from Louisiana (which I definitely regard in hind-sight as a stupid decision) I was still thinking off the cuff. It was shortly after the move (a very short two months after) that I realized it was a dumb decision that (at the point I realized this) could not be reversed. I had no choice but to make the best of my situation. I tried living the way I had in the past, and it got me nowhere fast. So I took stock of the people I knew, chose the ones who were good for me and went forward. Not all of my choices panned out, but I can honestly say that I have no hard feelings toward the totality of the people I called friends starting the year off in 2009. When I had to concede defeat to independence in Manhattan (KS) I was finally at a point where I could humble myself enough to ask for help from my parents. It was rough going after a while, but with help from my grandparents I was able to move out and get on some solid solo ground again. This was a little over a year ago, and I once again thought I would be able to pick up my carefree independence where I had left off in Louisiana. After just a few months I discovered that was not the case. I no longer found joy in the idea of, as they say down south, "Laissez le bon temps roulez" (Let the good times roll.) I found a routine and stuck to it, as best I could. I was lucky enough to find three jobs that worked within each other and slowly struck a successful note. It's been through that schedule, this last year, the positive changes made and friendships acquired that I've finally come to realize myself as an adult. Resulting in the eye and mind opening experiences of this last week. Twice I have been put into situations that came about completely out of the blue, and as I look back on them, have come out sparkling. Yeah, I know, that's not too humbling. And I'm aware that it may be too early to judge, but let me explain a bit further. I think a lot while I drive, and while I'm in the shower, and when I start to go to sleep. Lately I've been thinking a lot about where I am in regards to the rest of my life and relationships. I always say I don't want to get married. And I really don't. I have no plans to get married and I never have. I was never one of those little girls who planned her wedding, or picked out what kind of dress I wanted, or what names I would have for kids or anything like that. Recently, this singleness has made me sad. So sad that I've gotten myself into some really stupid relationships. Not that the guys were bad to me, or for me for that matter, but I really had no place being in any sort of resemblance of a relationship at all! And for that I apologize to those guys for wasting their time. So, back to my recent revelation. All my thinking lately has made me decide that I'm turning a leaf over. Here is my declaration. I'm no longer looking for Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now, OR Mr. Whatever. I've got a job with responsibilities to maintain, friends who are good to me AND for me that I want to be there for as well, and a life to cultivate. I have for too long been preoccupied with getting my kicks right now. I am officially becoming an old fart and saying no. I am only here to be your friend, and if you want more than that, please have the where-with-all to stop yourself and say no. There are plenty of great ladies out there who want to be with you, now and or forever, and I am not one of them. So fellas, let's be buddies. I'm good at that.
Let the title of this post be "An inner monologue that turned into a diatribe on singleness"