Friday, January 13, 2017

Personal Opinion in it's Place?

I'm curious, why would anyone read a blog with a highly personal (even if names are left out) rant against a person/place/thing?

I'm feeling very rant-y.

I know a few things:

1. Not many people read my little blog here
2. It is possible that in the future more people will read it and go through the back-log
3. Putting a personal rant up is very cowardly.

I am not a coward.

I also know that there are blogs and talk shows dedicated solely to ranting about very specific things, people, and places that the population does indeed read/listen to/watch.

So why can't I bring myself to do it?  Why can't I tell you what is going through my mind at this exact moment?

Reason number one: I'm currently at an Elementary School finishing out my day.  Surrounding me are children that I know I am an example for.  Even though they will never know my thoughts, or that I'm even typing this, I know that what goes on in my head tends to leak to my words and actions.  So, as I was in classrooms and one on one, I put my thoughts to the back.  I purposefully focused on the tasks I was teaching or assisting with.

Reason number two: My problem is a petty one.  I feel slighted.  I am not the only one who feels this way, but I have not seen any other outcry of disrespect directed toward the party in question.  I refuse to be the first.

Is there a reason number three?  Do I have to have a reason not to post hateful comments on my blog? Do I need a reason to post them?  Not really.

I just needed to get my thoughts into writing, and thankfully I am a fairly speedy typist.  Handwriting a journal can be therapeutic, but frustratingly slow.

You, my dear reader, are just that lucky. 😉

Monday, January 9, 2017


I find myself thinking about this subject often, but not in the way many others do.  I could be wrong about that.

Word association:
Beauty: Women
Beauty: Horse
Beauty: Within
Beauty: False

Typically, this is a word used to describe a woman.  This is how it is most used in the american english vernacular.  The second most described area is nature.  To be honest, in my little world, it is most often used to describe nature and I still think of women when the word is mentioned.

Beauty is a book about a white horse that ends up breaking it's two front legs.  Heartbreaking.  And it's a children's book.  Okay, sure.

"True beauty comes from withing."  Once again, describing human traits, typically female.

And the 'false' association, well, that's just my negativity coming to the surface.

A quick google search brings up this:
  1. 1.
    a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.

    "I was struck by her beauty"
  2. 2.
    a beautiful woman.

    "she was considered a great beauty in her youth"

    synonyms:beautiful woman, bellevision, Venus, goddess

  3. Once more, the first definition could be anything. Nature, animals, carpet, people, colors. Anything. Yet, the writers of this particular version chose to highlight it's use in describing a woman.

    The second definition is just describing a woman outright. The second is not a true definition.

    The french word "Belle" is a proper name, a word for a woman, and also literally translates to "Beauty/Beautiful."

    Ok, now that I've waxed literary for this long, what does Beautiful actually mean when describing a woman? I ask this, because it has perplexed me lately.

    I have always been told that I need just a little eyeliner and/or mascara because my eyelashes are so very light. When buying a foundation (which I hate wearing) I always have trouble matching my skin tone. I more often than not go without. I honestly can't remember a time in my life where I applied foundation on a daily basis that was not having to do with being on stage for a musical or play. I have naturally rosy cheeks, so I don't really need a blush. The only tones of eyeshadow that really work for my brown eyes, with my light coloring and eyelashes are browns and maybe a hint of purple. My palette is very limited. Every once in a while, the color will drain from my lips for whatever reason, so I'll don a subtle mauve lipstick or a pink tinged lipgloss.

    All this to say that, for someone who hates wearing makeup, I sure know a lot about it.

    I know that when I do decide to wear makeup I feel nice, but I am constantly worried about the stress of the day ruining the various chemicals I've smeared on my face.

    I know that if I wear makeup to run or exercise in, it WILL run down my face as soon as the sweat starts. But if I don't, I'll just look like a person who exercised. I don't mind looking plain, but then again, I was one of the 2% of the population who got 'lucky' enough to have red hair. In other words, without makeup I'm still not very "plain."

    I would tell a person to not judge based on appearance, yet I do it all the time. I've been conditioned to say "That's too much makeup" or "Good grief that lady needs to put some effort in her looks." Neither statement is correct, yet we as individuals make these judgements on a daily basis.

    Stop telling me what I should and shouldn't do with my face. Maybe I can't afford makeup. Maybe I left it all in another state for 9 months. Maybe my 3 kids were running wild and I just didn't trust them enough to take a shower, blow dry my hair, put on a face while leaving them alone for an hour. MAYBE it's none of your business.

    MAYBE, JUST MAYBE I made my own choice and judged myself and said "not today."

    *disclaimer: I totally put on eyeliner and mascara today.

Friday, January 6, 2017

That ever contemplative mind

Things that should be noted before "moving on" are as follows:
~Toward the end of October, my closest friend, one I considered (as did many other unsuspecting humans) as my sister, passed away.  At a time in the future, a blog will be dedicated to her memory.
~I have made the decision to finally finish a degree.  Music Education.  I still need to take a placement test and finish my FAFSA, but I should be starting in the fall at Butler County Community College.
~I have finished training for, and ran my half marathon.
~There are no more pieces of me left anywhere in Louisiana.

Today marks the third day back to work in this new year.  I've thought so much in the few months since I last blogged about what I needed to write about.  The truth is that I just couldn't bring myself to write anything.  No blog, no poetry, no music, not even barely a post on facebook.  Last year was indeed the toughest I have faced.  I lost multiple jobs, moved back in with my parents for the second time in my adult life, faced opposition from my father and brother for that move, and started counseling sessions.  I had been thinking that things would never change. Then I went down to Lafayette to retrieve all the belongings I had in storage.

While there, I send an invite to an ex-boyfriend to join me in libations one evening.  He did indeed show up.  I did not plan on having a melt down, but it had been a long time coming.  The wonderful friend that he is, we sat down after my tears subsided and discussed life over the last year.  It truly has been that long since I've seen him, as our last interaction was January 2016.  He mentioned that the change that has taken place in my life is very visible.  I never thought anything had changed other than my constantly feeling down about every aspect of life.  I'm inclined to believe him.

I have a history of self-doubt.  I have never really seen the positivity in myself until a male points it out.  Let Freud say what he will about father issues (I really do not get along with mine at all,) but it's true.  Let's just say this time it was slightly different.  This was no longer a man I had romantic inclinations toward.  Our time together was rather insignificant in the scheme of relationship history, our intimacy in the figurative sense only.  We separated ways due to the supposed difference in what we each saw for our future.  At least, that's the way I remember it.  So when I extended the invite for the first time in a year, I was surprised it was accepted.

I have always thought that I would live my life out in Lafayette, LA because I wanted to.  By sheer will I was going to be there.  At this point in my life I believe that was never to be.  I have decided to stop making absolutes.  I may end up back there.  I may not.  For now, where I need to be and where I want to be are not the same, and I must learn to accept this and flourish.

Lafayette will always be a part of me.  For the better part of 12 years it was my home, or at least the one place I was always trying to get back to.  That thinking had me blind.  My home has always just been where I was.  My physical address truly had nothing to do with the word "home."  In Florida, I was home.  I found a community I could contribute to and supportive friends.  The same was true for my time in Kansas, and my time on the boat in New England.  Life may not have always been the best of times, but it was not always the worst of times either.

So, now I am here.  Contemplating all the new things laid out in front of me.  Moving in with a family who needs me.  Running a full marathon.  Starting school, and actually finishing it.  This is not the beginning of a new year, this is the beginning of a new life.  It is up to me to keep this up.  To no regress into the ease of making decisions off the cuff, but to continue to be mindful of my present situations and make my decisions based off of where I need to be for my future.

Goodbye, 2016.
Hello, the rest of my life.