Friday, January 6, 2017

That ever contemplative mind

Things that should be noted before "moving on" are as follows:
~Toward the end of October, my closest friend, one I considered (as did many other unsuspecting humans) as my sister, passed away.  At a time in the future, a blog will be dedicated to her memory.
~I have made the decision to finally finish a degree.  Music Education.  I still need to take a placement test and finish my FAFSA, but I should be starting in the fall at Butler County Community College.
~I have finished training for, and ran my half marathon.
~There are no more pieces of me left anywhere in Louisiana.

Today marks the third day back to work in this new year.  I've thought so much in the few months since I last blogged about what I needed to write about.  The truth is that I just couldn't bring myself to write anything.  No blog, no poetry, no music, not even barely a post on facebook.  Last year was indeed the toughest I have faced.  I lost multiple jobs, moved back in with my parents for the second time in my adult life, faced opposition from my father and brother for that move, and started counseling sessions.  I had been thinking that things would never change. Then I went down to Lafayette to retrieve all the belongings I had in storage.

While there, I send an invite to an ex-boyfriend to join me in libations one evening.  He did indeed show up.  I did not plan on having a melt down, but it had been a long time coming.  The wonderful friend that he is, we sat down after my tears subsided and discussed life over the last year.  It truly has been that long since I've seen him, as our last interaction was January 2016.  He mentioned that the change that has taken place in my life is very visible.  I never thought anything had changed other than my constantly feeling down about every aspect of life.  I'm inclined to believe him.

I have a history of self-doubt.  I have never really seen the positivity in myself until a male points it out.  Let Freud say what he will about father issues (I really do not get along with mine at all,) but it's true.  Let's just say this time it was slightly different.  This was no longer a man I had romantic inclinations toward.  Our time together was rather insignificant in the scheme of relationship history, our intimacy in the figurative sense only.  We separated ways due to the supposed difference in what we each saw for our future.  At least, that's the way I remember it.  So when I extended the invite for the first time in a year, I was surprised it was accepted.

I have always thought that I would live my life out in Lafayette, LA because I wanted to.  By sheer will I was going to be there.  At this point in my life I believe that was never to be.  I have decided to stop making absolutes.  I may end up back there.  I may not.  For now, where I need to be and where I want to be are not the same, and I must learn to accept this and flourish.

Lafayette will always be a part of me.  For the better part of 12 years it was my home, or at least the one place I was always trying to get back to.  That thinking had me blind.  My home has always just been where I was.  My physical address truly had nothing to do with the word "home."  In Florida, I was home.  I found a community I could contribute to and supportive friends.  The same was true for my time in Kansas, and my time on the boat in New England.  Life may not have always been the best of times, but it was not always the worst of times either.

So, now I am here.  Contemplating all the new things laid out in front of me.  Moving in with a family who needs me.  Running a full marathon.  Starting school, and actually finishing it.  This is not the beginning of a new year, this is the beginning of a new life.  It is up to me to keep this up.  To no regress into the ease of making decisions off the cuff, but to continue to be mindful of my present situations and make my decisions based off of where I need to be for my future.

Goodbye, 2016.
Hello, the rest of my life.

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